When Nature Calls – Full Movie

[music playing] NARRATOR: Some say he was born
in the back of a pickup truck. Some say it was a
highway rest stop. And some say he was
belched, full-form, from the chrome exhaust
of a dead-headed semi. But wherever he came
from, he was destined to become hell on wheels. [engine revving] It’s the story of– [gunshots] –Baby Bullets. [engine revving] Too young, too tough, too fast. [tires squealing] [scream] NARRATOR: It’s the
thrilling story of a talented
toddler and the gift that would come to haunt him. A piston-packing, hard-riding,
highway hustler in Pampers who didn’t know when to stop. [siren blaring] [engine revving] It’s the story of Baby Bullets! He’ll crawl out of
his diapers and drive right into your heart. [crash] [cooing] NARRATOR: His daring
will amaze you. He lived fast and loose and
grabbed love where he could. [moaning] [cooing] And soon, it was the
mob that wanted him. There’s only one driver
good enough for this job. Bring me Baby Bullets. [thump] NARRATOR: He was the
dangerous darling of the mob. [coo] NARRATOR: And they called
him the babe, the bambino. This infamous infant
would stop at nothing to get what he wanted. [tires squealing] [crash] [splash] Don’t worry about a thing. I’ll take care of it
myself personally. I promise.
-[crying] OK, OK. Just take it easy. Take it easy. It’ll be done. [cooing] NARRATOR: Baby became
the talk of the town until he took a powder. He must be stopped! Bring in the infantry! [bugle cavalry charge] [explosion] NARRATOR: Explosive drama
so exciting, you’ll spit up. BABY BULLETS: [cooing] [beeping] So you won’t talk, eh? [cooing] NARRATOR: Baby Bullets, the
real story of the hot tot that had cops hot to stop. [crying] NARRATOR: Baby Bullets–
they couldn’t hold him. They couldn’t scold him. They couldn’t even burp him. [gunshots] [crying] NARRATOR: “Baby Bullets,”
the only movie that has to be changed four times a day. [music playing] NARRATOR: Please read this. Aloud. “For far too long, a very
special segment of our society has been excluded from
the motion picture going experience. Now, for the first
time, the producers are proud to present a
motion picture equipped with Blind-O-Vision to
assist our blind audience in the enjoyment “Gena’s Story.” [music playing] NARRATOR: “Gena’s Story,”
or “On My Own,” “By Myself,” “Just Me,” “Alone,” “Up Yours.” Finally, a serious
woman’s picture. Meet Gena, independent,
cosmopolitan, and loving mother of two. Meet the husband
that leaves her. Call my secretary. We’ll have lunch. NARRATOR: The lover
that finds her. [grunt] NARRATOR: The lover
that leaves her. And the liver that loves her. And introducing– What do you want? NARRATOR: — Henri Henri as
Jacques Perrier, the other man, every woman’s dream. Bearded, tender, and
naturally sparkling, Perrier knows how to make almost
any woman feel nearly human. [moaning] GENA: Oh, Jacques.
JACQUES: Oh, yeah. GENA: Jacques.
JACQUES: Oh, yeah. GENA: Jacques.
-Oh, yeah. [moaning] Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.
GENA: Oh, oui. Oh, oui. Oh, oui. [panting] JACQUES: Yeah. Oh, yeah. Connect with your inner. GENA: Oh, put it in, Jacques. Put it in. Oh. (SINGING) Oh! NARRATOR: “Gena’s Story”–
her loves, her lives, the things that make her
special, make her unique, like all of us. [laughter] NARRATOR: And the
encounters that send a message to all of us. Oh, man, what do
you want me to do? I told you I can’t see– what? Why, here’s something on Ann. Spoons, right? Cups, and, uh, lay– yeah. Uh, writing. Right? Scratching, and,
uh, wr– writing. And it’s like people
in a circle, right? There’s like four or
five people there. I’m getting it now, right? And, uh, more writing. Yeah, like– NARRATOR: “Gena’s Story,” a
story for this time, next time, the time after, the time
after that, and always. Dancing! And she’s dancing. And I– like, she’s
got panties on. I’m on a roll now, right? She’s got panties on. And, like, her behind in this
picture, it’s like a lot, man. And there’s, like,
pretty floors– wood floors, like they’ve been
sanded like, in the last week. And there’s a coffee table. [music playing] [dog barking] NARRATOR: All his life, they
said it was going to be tough. But everything still
kept coming too easy. Hey, Bobby. I want to tell you
something as a friend. Yeah? What’s that? [bleep] you. [bleep] you. NARRATOR: An important
new motion picture in black and white from an
award-winning director, a film of the most profound
dimensions, the most moving experience ever put on film. [toilet flushing] [belching] You talking to me? You find out yet? You got something to say to me? Well, I got something
to say to you. [bleep] you. WOMAN: [bleep] me? [bleep] you. Yeah? [bleep] you! [crash] [glass breaking] [thud] [glass breaking] So Bobby, I saw Father Joey
walking down the street. NARRATOR: “Raging
Bullshit,” a picture so profound you’ll rediscover
emotions you’ve never had. –[bleep] you and the
horse you rode in on, huh? [bleep] me? No, you got it wrong. [bleep] you. NARRATOR: Martin “Snores-easy’s”
“Raging Bullshit.” Bobby became a winner because
he had nothing left to lose. MAN: Bobby? [whistle] [bleeping] you. NARRATOR: “Raging Bullshit,”
the man, the moment, the movie. [bleep] (ECHOING) you! [music playing] [tires squealing] [crash] MAN: [malicious laughter] MAN: What are you,
deaf? [bleep] you! MAN: [bleep] you. [bleeping] MAN: –you and the
horse you rode in on. MAN: [bleep] you! MAN: [bleep] you! [bleeping] Van Waspishes, What you got? Meatloaf. How about you, O’Mally? [sniff] The usual. Doesn’t it get you down,
O’Mally, being an unimportant part of something so big? I mean, don’t you
think there has to be something better in this city. Better than this job,
better than this speech? Sometimes I think about
building something for my family and me, far away from
this decaying giant they call the Big Apple. Hey, cool it. Here comes the foreman. Van Waspishes, what the
hell are you doing eating? You know you’re
not supposed to be away from the asbestos machine. How many times I told you? I want you to eat, dink,
and breathe asbestos. What does it take to
get through to you? Wait a minute. Let me try it this way. (CARTOON VOICE) Van
Waspishes, you eat asbestos. You drink asbestos. And if I ask you,
you sleep asbestos. You got it? Yeah, I got it. In fact, I’ve had it. I’ve had it up to here
with this job, with you, with this whole stinking city. I quit, you understand? Take care of yourself, O’Mally. [sirens] New York, for once you’re
gonna listen to me! [SHOUTING DROWNED OUT BY CITY
NOISE] Hey, give me one
with everything. You got it. [projectile whistling] [crash] Greg and I worked together
for the last two years on construction. Now, this, uh– this
construction site was definitely run by the mob. I mean, it was organized
crime, you know? Anyhow, these were rough guys. I mean, really rough. Uh, if they knew I was
here right now telling you this stuff, they’d
kill me and they wouldn’t think twice about it. Now, first, let me
make something clear. Greg didn’t know
anything about the mob. Greg didn’t know anything. Christ, we had to put
a label on his hammer. Anyhow, every morning,
at 9 o’clock sharp, this bag man, uh, Vinnie
Tanucci, he shows up and he goes to our
foreman, right? Now, I never heard
anything that they said. But, uh, there was
always passing– DELIVERY MAN: All right. Deli delivery. Who gets the turkey sandwich? CREW: Sh, not now. DELIVERY MAN: Hey,
I got another run. And Joey Clamento was there. DELIVERY MAN: –turkey sandwich. CREW: Get– watch that. Get away from the light!
[crash] Anyhow–
CREW: Watch the light! Hey, wait a minute. You told me there wasn’t
gonna be no lights. [gunshots] MAN (ON PA): –are there to
stop shopping cart theft. They are there for
your convenience. The metal poles outside
the super market are there to stop
shopping cart theft. They are there for
you convenience. MAN (ON PA): Dr. Eli Billington. Dr. Eli Billington, please
report to salad surgery. Dr. Eli Billington. [church bells] [cheering] Hey, baby. Hey, have a look, baby. Take a good look, baby. [bowling pins crashing] Baby, baby, baby, hey. MAN (ON PA): Attention, Esther. Attention, Esther. Will the editor please cut
to the dentist in Aisle Five. Thank you. Pardon me. [music playing from can] [music playing from can] We just ran out at the office. I’ve got a root
canal in 15 minutes. MAN (ON PA): Bacon
today, only $1.79. Also, the pharmacy department
special– for you housewives, it’s Valium at three for
$1.00 And the family special, Quaaludes, all you
can eat for $3.75. [bells chiming] WOMAN (ON PA):
Checkout lanes three, four, and five are backed up. You know, Millie, I’ve
been noticing recently food just doesn’t
taste the same anymore. I don’t know. It’s not as fresh or something. Maybe I’m wrong, but I really
worry about my family’s health. I mean, all the
sugar and chemical preservatives
they’re forcing you to eat cannot be good for you. No, I guess not
Mrs. Van Wasphishes. [gulp] Do you have anything
smaller, Mrs. Van Wasphishes. How about if I fold it in two? That’s a good one,
Mrs. Van Wasphishes. [laughs] Thank you. So long, Millie. [tribal chanting and drumming] CASHIER: What? Did you break up
this pound of butter? Are you sick? Now, go put it back
where it belongs. [grunting] [singing and guitar playing] Come on, hang in there. Can we make it? Can we make it? What do you know? [organ music playing] [chatter] MAN (ON PA): Metal poles
outside the supermarket are there to stop shopping carts. They are there for
your convenience. Ow! [music playing] A greasy old man, a
grand, and his kid five, or I do Jackson’s. BAMBI: Want to party? Nickie, sweetheart, I told you. BAMBI: Oh, Teddy. They’re paying five grand a
head for white women in Juarez. I know, I know. Last year we got six,
but the peso is surging. Come on, Teddy.
Let’s party. Look, just get the
babes to the border and I’ll take it from there. BAMBI: Yeah, oh, Teddy. Uh, excuse me, Bambi. Would you hold it down? Some of us are trying
to work over here. Why don’t you grow up? Don’t be a jerk. It’s deductible. Beside, name me one 11-year-old
to get sent up on tax fraud. Am I right? Daddy, Mommy! Daddy, Mommy! Bambi, Little Billy. So I’ve got something
to tell you. [needle scratching record] Your father’s gone crazy. You remember your father. Now, I want you to
listen very carefully to what he has to say. I did. And it didn’t make any
sense to me at all. Maybe you can do better. Greg. Kids, your mom and I
love each other very much. [dog grumbling] Cool off, mister! Your mom and I have
been doing some talking. And I’ve got wonderful
news for you. We’re going on an adventure. How would you like to wake up
to the sound of chirping birds, to look out the
window and see fields of wildflowers and clover? [engine revving] How would you like to
drink pure, fresh air– [sirens blaring] –and breathe
crystal clear water. [panting] What I’m trying to say
is that form now on, you don’t have to worry about
crime, pollution, junk foods and loud rock and roll music,
X-rated movies, or drug pushers ever again. Kids, we’re leaving the city. And we’re moving out
to the wilderness. [cartoon acceleration noise] [theme music] THEME SONG: We’re the
Outdoorsters, the Outdoorsters. We live in the forest free. We tell tall tales and
we fell tall trees. We’re the Outdoorsters family. We don’t wash windows. We don’t cut grass. So mice are cute and
people are crass. We don’t go to movies. We don’t go to bars. We don’t need sex
or money or cars. We play with fleas and
we sleep with ticks. The animals give
us all our kicks. We don’t eat grub
from the market shelf. We only eat grub that
we find ourselves. LITTLE BILLY: Look, a deer! THEME SONG: We’re the
Outdoorsters, the Outdoorsters. living out in the
wild with a heart so pure and a step so
sure and the brain of a slightly backwards child. Oh, we don’t miss bums who sleep
in the street or shopping bag ladies who spit on your feet. We don’t feel lost in our forest
home, ’cause out in the woods we’re never alone. The bird and the bees,
we love them all. Most of the animals
big and small. But if they bug
us, just the same, we’ll stamp them out
like a candle flame. We’re the Outdoorsters,
the Outdoorsters. Get away from our place
or we’ll break your knees and take your cheese and rub
it all over your big, fat face. This is great, isn’t it? [barking] THEME SONG: Our
life’s real groovy. Hope you like our new movie. If it gives you the weirdies,
just wait till the TV series. Oh, the Outdoorsters,
the Outdoorsters, such a wholesome, hearty bunch. With kids so cute
and a dog to boot, you’re guaranteed
to blow your minds. [tires squealing] Yeah, goodbye garbage,
filth, and crime. We’re gonna have
a real good time living on roots and rocks
and trees, taking a piss wherever we please. We’ll get caught
out in the rain. We’ll get sick and
we’ll go insane. Oh, we’ll get bored
and we’ll get out. What the hell are
we singing about? [glass shattering] We’re the Outdoorsters,
the Outdoorsters, such a wholesome, hearty bunch. With kids so cute
and a dog to boot, you’re guaranteed
to blow your minds. [rooster crowing] Yeah, goodbye garbage,
filth, and crime. We’re gonna have
a real good time living on roots and rocks
and trees, taking a piss wherever we please. We’ll get caught
out in the rain. We’ll get sick and
we’ll go insane. Oh, we’ll get bored
and we’ll all get out. What the hell are
we singing about? We’re the Outdoorsters,
the Outdoorsters. We live in the forest free. We tell tall tales and
we fell tall trees. We’re the Outdoorsters family. We’re the Outdoorsters family. We’re the Outdoorsters family. GREG: Come on. Up and at ’em. [blows raspberry] GREG: Oh, isn’t this great? Just look at those mountains. Take it all in, yes. Didn’t I tell you this? The great outdoors,
we’re here at last. MAN: You’ve got to leave
the keys in the car. What? Don’t lose the ticket. Pay as you leave. [music playing on car radio] GREG (VOICEOVER): Our
adventure had begun. I hadn’t seen such
wild and untamed beauty since the Gabor sisters sang
“Let’s Get Physical” on “Merv.” [chainsaw revving] It didn’t take a
genius to see we needed a roof over our heads. And we all pitched
in to make it happen. Well, this is the big moment. What do you think, huh? GREG (VOICEOVER):
And darned if we soon did have a fine little cabin to
show for our efforts– and a 17 and 3/4% floating mortgage
in just a quarter. It was hard work. But there were also
the good times, time for fun and relaxation. [whistle] Come on, kids. Greg, come on and– GREG (VOICEOVER): Especially
after Mom vacuumed and chlorinated the lake and
installed that electric Pool Master surface cleaner. I rediscovered something
I had forgotten. Animals were
attracted to me, and for some strange
and magical reason, felt no fear when
they were around me. Animals just plain liked me. [animal noises] INTERVIEWER: Mr.
Amsterdam, we’re trying to find out why the
family moved to the wilderness. Could you tell us a
little bit about, uh– Greg? Yes, I remember Greg. I remember a lot of things–
you’d be amazed– little things that people forget. Like, uh, how many of
us remember that Eleanor Roosevelt had great tits? Or how many people stopped to
realize that if things continue the way they are, in
10 years from today, Czechoslovakia will
still be hard to spell? Little things, like, uh, the
man who walks in the men’s room, and there’s a hole in the wall. And there’s a
little sign over it that says “put
your prick in here and we do for you
what your wife does.” So he put his prick in there and
somebody sewed a button on it. MAN (ON SPEAKERPHONE): Back to
the earth? [laughs] Bullshit. Come on. Building a house and moving the
family out to the wilderness was my idea. [phone ringing] Look, sweetheart, in
the bracket Greg was in, he couldn’t live in
the city anymore. He would have gotten
killed in taxes. Hey, did you see his return
last year before I got a hold of him? [laughs] It’s a joke. So I sat down with
him and I told him to move out to the woods. You can appreciate everything–
trees, possums, the works. Larissa, honey, be a
doll and get a coffee. Sweet and light, all right? Listen, pal, can I
ask if you happened to notice if Greg saved
the gas and toll receipts. From LA? OK, right away. Hang on will you babe? [click] GREG (VOICEOVER):
And I’m here to tell you that old lady Mother Nature
even worked her charms on me. I was feeling a new
vitality, a vitality I hadn’t felt in years. The mountains and
all that hard work brought out something
in me and I loved it. [ducks quacking] [sniffs] [squeaking] [whimpering] [creaking] But unbeknownst to me, there
was a strange, unseen watcher in the woods, a watcher
whose very presence would have struck fear
into the heart of any red-blooded American male. But the most rewarding
thing for me as a father was to see how naturally
my children adjusted to life in the wilderness. [rattling] [spraying] [animal noises] You’re a big one, aren’t you? [trumpeting] Well, it was nice to meet you. But I have to be going now. Have a nice day. [trumpeting] Sorry, Mother told me never
to go out with circus people. Besides, who knows
where that thing’s been? LITTLE BILLY: Check it out. Check it out. [trumpeting] Check it out. Check it out. Check it out. Check it out. Check it out. Check it out. Check it out. Check it out. [trumpeting] MAN: Well, the Russian
Revolution, the whole of Europe was affected by it. You know, Lenin, he was
living in Switzerland. So whenever you felt
like, you dropped in. You had coffee and
cake for nothing, practically, for nothing,
in the summer ’cause we went in for the air conditioning. So the girl says to
the doctor, doctor, uh, what is a phallic symbol? He said, you’re kidding. She says, no, I don’t know what. What’s a phallic symbol? He takes his pants down. He points to himself. He says, you see? That’s a phallic symbol. [gasp] Oh, she said. Just like a cock, only smaller. INTERVIEWER: Mr.
Amsterdam, what’s– [carefree music playing] [roaring] [water sloshing] [roaring] [boing] [roaring] [barking] Squirt, go get help. [zing] [barking] [whimpering] Oh, you’re hurt, you poor dear. [roar] All right! OK, I’m sorry. Oh, you’re hurt, you poor bear. GREG (VOICEOVER):
I guess Bambi just naturally inherited her helping
and healing ways from her mom. Don’t be afraid. I won’t hurt you. Let me see your paw. GREG (VOICEOVER): [laugh]
And it wasn’t long before she’d taken that
thorn out of the bear’s paw and found herself a new friend. [flies buzzing] [romantic music playing] Now I bet that feels better. [bear grumbling] I’ll bet you’re a Capricorn. How do you like that? GREG (VOICEOVER):
And it was obvious that that old bear had
taken quite a shine to our little girl. [bear snorting] My diagnosis was the
daughter was suffering from a classic case of
orthogenetic transference, and that clearly the methodology
lay with the entire family. I wanted to treat
them together, take on the whole family’s neurosis. Van Wasphishes, I said,
I’ll cure any psychosis, any time, any place, anywhere. I’ll meet them at
my office– Madison Square Garden; the
Olympic auditorium; Tokyo, Japan; anywhere. You know what I’m talking about? I try to tell– [boxing bell ringing] Bambi, the daughter,
displayed severe confusion in her sexual role
model identifications. The family began to
resist my treatment. I couldn’t believe it. Look, I said. I’ll get you on a
couch and reshape your cognitive perceptions
so you can’t tell it from your super ego ecosystems. I’ll take the id and
put it where the ego is. And by the time I get through
arranging your id and your ego, you won’t know which end is up. [sports arena chatter] Then if you still haven’t
stopped sublimating, I’ll– [sports arena chatter] [boxing bell ringing] Look, you pencil neck geeks. I was the inter-collegiate
psychoanalytic champion in a welterweight division. And I’ve got the belt
here to prove it. If I were to take this
gold and melt it down, all you pencil neck
geeks would be– Greg, I thought you might
be getting a little hungry. Oh, thanks, dear. That look– [gag] [gulp]
oh, here come the kids. [theme music “the outdoorsters”] ALL: (SINGING OFF-KEY) We’re the
Outdoorsters, the Outdoorsters. We live in a forest free. Oh, we tell tall tales
and we fell tall trees. [cawing] ALL: We’re the
Outdoorsters family. We’re the Outdoorsters,
the Outdoorsters, living out in the wild. With a– [mooing] –brain of a slightly
backwards child. [stampeding] We’re the Outdoorsters,
the Outdoorsters. [stampeding] With the two kids so
cute and dogs to boot. [owl hooting] GREG (VOICEOVER): In the
light of the night, even the animal’s thoughts
turned to romance. And if you listened real
hard, you could even hear their plaintive meeting calls. [MUSIC JAY & THE AMERICANS,
“CARA MIA”] [birds chirping] [animal noises] [farting] [animals screeching] GREG: [groan] [grunt] Ah. Phew. Mm. Hm. Uh-oh. [grunting] Whoa! [grunting] Whoa. GREG (VOICEOVER): I knew
right away that was no animal. It was another human being,
and he needed help– fast. [dog barking] [man grunting] Squirt, go get help, boy. Squirt. Squirt? Squirt. [grunting] Phew. [bird trilling] Oh, no, no. I’m a friend. Friend. Huh? Friend. Ah! GREG (VOICEOVER):
I could see plain that this fellow
had a broken leg, and maybe also a wounded knee. Boy, you’re hurt, fella. GREG (VOICEOVER):
The only thing to do was to drag him back to
camp where we could give him the proper medical attention. You wait here. I go get help. [grunting] What?
What? What is it? Ah! [grunting] You’re crazy. Ah! [grunting] [slapping sounds] [laughing grunts] GREG (VOICEOVER): From
his Blue Cross card, we learned his name was Weejun. A proud brave, he want to
thank us for saving his life. He wanted to teach
us about the woods. He wanted to charge us 125 bucks
for a three-week mini-course called Wilderness 101. He showed us the woods
and the wild, dangerous, and unpredictable animals
who call it their home. [crowd shouting and chanting] He also taught us
about how the Indians, the children of the wilderness,
entrapped their prey. This is just a small
toke of our times. And there’s more
where that came from. Just remember us on the hill. [sirens blaring] ANNOUNCER: This is only a test. Repeat, this is only a test. We interrupt this movie in
compliance with the president’s new nuclear preparedness act. The following rules have been
formulated by a government panel of nuclear
experts to give you, the theater-goer, maximum
protection in case of an all-out nuclear war. Note, in the event of
an actual nuclear blast, the film is likely to seem out
of focus for a few minutes. Please bear with us. [ding] Rule number one, choose
an aisle captain. Send him to the basement of
this theater, where he will find emergency medical
supplies, water, and drums of dehydrated
Raisinettes and Ju-Ju-Bes. Two, feel underneath your seat. You will feel sticky
pink and green nodules. These nodules should
inflate at first detection of lethal radiation. They will form a long-lasting,
sugar-filled survival bubble, protecting both you
and your family. Three, retain your ticket stub. Four, observe smoking
no-smoking sections. If your skin or
clothing begins to burn, please be considerate of others. And finally, five, do not panic. [explosion] Remember, a calm and
cooperative attitude is your best defense
against a 40 million ton killer blast of
radioactive explosives. [explosions and music playing] GREG (VOICEOVER): And he showed
us the delicate and patient art of Indian fishing, catching
fish with your hands without the use of
rod, reel, or bait. I got one. I got a fish. Woo! [splash] [frogs croaking] Where’s Billy? Oh, good! Ooh, there he is! Look, look! [music – “jaws” theme song] GREG (VOICEOVER): Two minds
reaching across the centuries, across totally different
cultures, trying to share– [non-english speech] GREG (VOICEOVER): –striving to
communicate against all odds. [non-english speech] Winnebago. Gee, I wish we
spoke Kaopectate. He knows so much
about the woods. There’s so much we could learn. What your friend
Weejun is trying to say is that in nature,
as in life itself, there’s a natural
binding process. Science tells us that
different animals enjoy each other’s company,
and that social settings, like the old
neighborhood watering hole or a nearby field,
are ideal settings for their frolicking. And this inter-species
teasing and game playing is just one more example
of harmony we humans can learn from the animal world. [animal fighting sounds] But also, there
is the other side. There is a strict
hierarchy in the wild. And not all creatures are lucky
enough to survive the ruthless life and death struggles. Violence flexes its ugly muscles
all too often in the wild. Those animals
didn’t fare too well from that violent encounter. But how about that watch? Well, unbeknownst
to the animals, we had this watch strapped
to one of their paws. Still ticking–
amazing, isn’t it? Those may be ordinary animals. But that’s no ordinary watch. The pigeon was blasted,
but not the watch. It always survives. In fact, it’s been
tested around the globe, and many of those tests
are exciting– on the first of a diver off the
cliff in Acapulco, on the pontoon of a sea
plane landing in the waves, on the tip of a skin in
the snow-covered mountains of the West, on a clay
pigeon blasted by a shotgun. [UNINTELLIGIBLE VOICE IN
tourists in a foreign land, sightseers. And Weejun was our guide. TOURISTS: [non-english speech] [camera shutters clicking] GREG (VOICEOVER): Then there
were the birds and the bees. Weejun surprised us. Like Barb and I, he had a
mature and open attitude about the sl– sl–
[stutter] (WHISPERING) S-E-X. And we learned that although
there were many differences between Weejun’s
culture and our own, we had similar views about
sexuality and, uh, prejudice. Oh, well, I love scuba diving. As a matter of fact, I was scuba
diving in Bermuda not long ago. Really? Yeah. 50 feet under the water,
me, swimming around, my outfit for the oxygen tank. I ran into a friend of mine,
also 50 under the water, had no scuba diving
equipment on at all. I said, Sam, my god,
what are you doing down here 50 feet
under the water without scuba diving equipment? He said, schmuck, I’m drowning. GREG (VOICEOVER):
Even at night, Weejun took this out into the wild. [animal noises] MAN: Jesus. MAN: Hey, get out of the– BARB: Sorry. Excuse me. MAN: What’s going on up there? It’s a stag film. MAN: Hey, yo, down in front. [braying] [panting] Kind of makes you want
to do something, huh? Yes, it does. Well, what are you waiting for? You hunk of buck, you. MAN: Hey, get out of the way. [neighing] MAN: Hey, get out of the way. GREG (VOICEOVER): And
finally, we learned how Weejun’s people grew food. Hey, this looks like corn. What do you call it? Maize. [baseball fanfare] [cheering] [baseball fanfare] [cheering] Get your souvenirs right here. Willie Mays, right here. Right here. Hey, hey. Keep up the good
work, Little Billy. All right, Willie. Souvenirs right here. Willie Mays souve– Not that way. This way. Come on, let’s go this way. GREG (VOICEOVER): Weejun had
an uncanny sense of direction. Even though Little
Billy was skeptical, Weejun explained that an
Indian has about as much chance of getting lost in the woods as
a fish forgetting how to swim. Not that way. This way. Come on, let’s go this way. Asshole. [static] [beeping] LITTLE BILLY (ON PA):
Lost in the woods? Tired, hungry,
wandering aimlessly for hours through hostile,
uncharted terrain? Well, Little Billy’s
Survival Corporation is here to help you. How much would you expect to pay
for a rescue service? $10, $20, $50? For a limited time only, like
until it gets dark and meat eaters come out, Little
Billy offers you rescue at unbelievably low $0.25. That’s right. For one thin quarter,
you’ll be rescued and guided to you doorstep. Lost in the woods? Put your faith in some asshole
who couldn’t find his way out of a telephone booth? Tired, hungry,
wandering aimlessly for hours through hostile– [beeping] [ringing] [music playing] Yeah! Yeah! [grunting] Whoa! Oh. MAN (ON SPEAKERPHONE):
I can’t get those Ice Capades tickets you asked for. Wrong line? This is Bill? Uh, hang on, OK, babe? [hold music playing] GREG (VOICEOVER):
I must admit, Mom and I were real proud of
the way our little Billy was adapting to wilderness life. He almost seemed like
a new person, relaxed and more content than we
had seen him at any time since gold hit $800 an ounce. MAN (VOICEOVER): Dear
Mr. Little Billy. The Environmental
Protection Agency regrets to inform
you that your request to pave over 125,000 acres
of natural forest land has been denied. [cawing] However, we are anticipating
the quick passage of the president’s
new National Wildlife and Resources Preservation
Act, at which time we would be happy to work with
you in paving over this area. Until then, I remain
sincerely– ah! [choking] [tense music playing] [roar] Hi-ya! [fighting sounds] Oh, my gosh. [barking] Squirt, go get help. Get help. Watch out! [growling and grunting] You can take him! You can take him! [barking] Squirt, you brought help. Quit, dog. Quit. Are you crazy, honey? Now, I do floors
and I do laundry. I cleans kitchens
and I do ironing. But I positively draws
the line at cougars. I told you I don’t
do no cougars. Now I need car fare. And who’s gonna
drive me to the bus? Come on. Come on, come on. [taunting noise] [laughter] [yowling] LITTLE BILLY: Watch
out for his teeth. Rip his hair out. [barking] Come on, Weej. Get down. ANNOUNCER: The Legion of
Decency and the United Citizens for a better tomorrow
have determined that continuous exposure
to films of this nature may be hazardous to your health. We request you stay in your
seats and bear with us. [bear growling] [music playing] [belch] [applause] [boing] [explosion] [bell chiming] ANNOUNCER: Ladies and
gentlemen, Watergate celebrity, Mr. G. Gordon Libby. You know, the human
will is an amazing power. Cities have been
built, mountains moved, the entire course
of history has been changed through sheer will. But there are some things that
even will is powerless against. For some unfortunate people,
all the will in the world can’t make them
like everyone else. I’d like to talk to
you about a disease that can strike anyone of
any age at anytime, anyplace. This year, I’ve been
asked to co-chair the fundraising
drive for the Society for the Prevention
of Jerry Lewis. Most of you are probably
thinking, Jerry Lewis? I thought they cured
that years ago. But the sad truth is Jerry Lewis
was never completely wiped out. He’s been neglected for years. And the disease is
spreading again. Complacency and ignorance
are our biggest enemies. In the early stages
of JL simplex, the stricken laugh at
old Jerry Lewis movies. Soon, its victims are spending
the entire Labor Day weekend in front of the television,
watching the telethon, helpless, unable to sleep, too
scared they’re going to miss the part where Jerry cries. It’s not a very
pretty thought, is it? Worse, left untreated, the
latter stages of JL simplex can become much,
much more serious. [chatter] Mr. Kelly, I
didn’t mean to drop the whole truck on your foot. Because that’s why that’s
why I was going that way, I’ll tell you. No, I’m not going ever. Jerry, Jerry. Jer– I’m not Dave. This is Jerry. Please, think of my kid. Please. [thump] This thing. [interposing voices] For you, Miss Purty. [gulp] Hey, Buddy Love. The most important thing
is– is, Miss Purty, to like yourself. That’s what’s most important. Right now, there’s no known
cure for this awful condition. It could strike you,
even your children. We need money for research. We’ve got to stay
ahead of the Russians. So please, when the ushers
come down the aisle, please give generously. Give till it hurts. Give before it’s too late. We’ve already lost France. [bell dinging] NARRATOR: Old
prejudices die hard. Cancer– say it. It won’t bite you. After all, isn’t cancer just
another way of saying growth? And isn’t growth what
America is all about? A message in the public interest
funded by the National Tobacco Institute, Asbestos Growers
of America, People the PCB, microwave manufacturers,
the Diet Soda Institute, the Brotherhood of Bacon
Curers, the Non-dairy Creamer Association, Friends
of Red Dye Number Two, the state of New Jersey, Oral
Contraceptive League, Asian– [bell dinging] [traffic noise] [rock music playing] [grunt] [moaning] [engine revving] [crash] [glass breaking] [moaning] [fighting sounds] LITTLE BILLY: Weejun? Oh, Chicago? That’s right. I want five to one on the
cougar, and make it a C-note. Hi-ya! [glass breaking] Hold all bets. Get him! He’s a wimp! He’s a wimp. [yowling] No, no Squirt. Sh. [barking] Squirt, come back. Squirt, come back. [yowling] [barking] Hey, Squirt, come back. GREG (VOICEOVER):
It was a close call. But luckily, both Little
Billy and Weejun had escaped that brush with death. As for the cougar, we were
sure he learned his lesson and wouldn’t soon
mess with us again. Needless to say, the family
took brave little Squirt’s disappearance very hard. And in the months that followed,
we searched fruitlessly for our furry little friend. And after a while, even
Little Billy gave up. He would never again
believe in miracles. We learned that all
wounds heal with time, that life must go on, and that
if you break it, you bought it. [bear grunting] Spring came, and
with it, new hope. For Bambi, it would be
that special spring, that spring that must happen
in every young girl’s life. [grunting] [music playing] [giggling] Oh. Oh! [cooing] [moaning] 16, 17, 18. God, I’ve got cramps already. You don’t . You’re not a woman. I hope you won’t tell anyone. I have my reputation to
look after, you know. [grunting] [tapping] [mooing] [yowling] [braying] [crowing] [roaring] [monkey noises] [trumpeting] This is supposed to
be a classy hotel. INTERVIEWER: Mr. Amster– I get upstairs. I call down the clerk. I said, hey, I got
a leak in the sink. He says, go right ahead. The customer’s always right. INTERVIEWER: Talk–
what about Greg? But I guess everything
worked out all right. INTERVIEWER: Can you
talk about the wil– the family in the wil– -40 years we’ve been married.
-Morey! She laughs at everything I do. INTERVIEWER: What the
hell’s he talking about? Morey? I guess that’s why we
only have two children. INTERVIEWER: Oh, Morey? GREG (VOICEOVER): Mom had been
putting her time to good use. She started to grow organic
food every bit as good as the food she used
to buy in the city. [music playing] [spraying] Hi, Weejun. GREG (VOICEOVER): Weejun’s leg
had healed pretty good by now. And sadly, the time had come for
him to go back to his people. Weejun began to prepare a
special ceremonial dinner. It was touching to
see how much Weejun meant to the local
animals as they came by to say their goodbyes. [snorting] Mm. [hooting] [roaring] GREG: [whistle] Soup’s on. Come and get it! [bubbling] [sizzling] You may say grace
tonight, Bambi. Thank you for the
birds and the trees. Thank you for the honey bees. Thank you for the marshy bogs. Thank you for soft, hollow logs. [boing] Thanks for furry hugs so tight. Thanks for grizzly
claws at night. Thanks for giving me the luck
I finally found a bear to– Uh, that’s fine, Bambi. Fine. Uh, Weejun has asked us to
join him in a toast tonight of his tribe’s ritual potion. L’Chaim. [slurp] We are here to
pay tribute tonight to a truly remarkable
unwashed red man that we like to call Weejun. [applause and whistling] Hey, Weejun, buddy. Glad you could make it. I’d like now the opportunity
to turn the dais over to another wonderful,
wonderful man, a man who’s a lover of wild things in
his own right, a man who needs no introduction,
Mr. Myron Cohen. [applause and cheering] [music playing] Beautiful. Thank you very much. You’re very kind. It’s great to play
the mountains again. But tonight, we’re
here to honor Weejun. Hey, Weejun. How are you? Or should I say, “how”? [laughter] Hey, you ever sit down
and talk to this guy? He is the original Sitting Bull. [laughter] But I want to tell you. Weejun, we’ve got a
fantastic surprise for you. Believe me, there a group
of your wonderful friends who come out of the woods
just once a year to entertain you and your guests. I want you to meet them,
the first Americans. [applause] [music playing] GROUP: (SINGING)
A story I remember about a little Indian
boy who had a bow and arrow as his only toy. He was as strong as a fever. LITTLE BILLY: Get down, Weej! Swing it, Weej! GROUP: (SINGING) –as a deer. But that was long ago, long ago. Long ago. Oh, oh. Weejun? He’s calling himself Weejun now? His name is Eugene. He thinks he’s a savage. I know. I grew up with him. Kid’s a sissy. Most savage thing
he ever did was he ordered red wine with fish. We got this cigar
store in the Bronx, you know– family business. And Eugene starts
going Indian on them. He starts taking, uh, uh,
beads and trinkets and stuff. Suddenly money’s not
good enough anymore. So I get this idea. I say, uh, listen, go out. Pose in front of the store. You know, maybe it’s
good for business. He says no. He doesn’t even say no. He grunts. Suddenly, we’re not
talking the same language. [birds chirping] [squeaking] [squeaking] [whimpering] [grunt] [frog croaking] GREG (VOICEOVER):
Rising before the rest of us, Weejun began his solitary
preparation of his tribe’s ancient ritual of departure. [music playing] Coney Island Jane. [frog croaking] [war cry] [drumming and chanting] LITTLE BILLY: Come on. You want spray
paint all over you? Hey, Wee, stop. Come on, smile, or else I’ll
take a spray paint can to you. Smile. [trumpeting] GROUP: (CHANTING) Hare Krishna. Hare Krishna. Dalai Lama. Dalai Lama. What’s that pounding? What’s that pounding? Got a headache. Got a headache. Stop already. Stop already.
Stop al– [drumming stops] Oh, yeah! There’s one thing I
forgot to tell you. The cougar’s back,
and he’s pissed. [growling] WOMAN: It was the easiest
thing for the family to lay all their problems on
Cougie– I mean, the cougar. To tell you the truth, before
I started dating Cougie, I’d heard all the stories too. But Cougie ain’t like that. He’s a real gentleman,
knows how to treat a lady. [giggle] Ah. Anyway, this Indian,
Weejun, jumps out of nowhere and attacks Cougie with a knife. Cougie was asleep at the time. Well, maybe he was pacing. But he wasn’t stalking! No way. Cougie told me himself
he wasn’t stalking. Look, he may be a
carnivora androvatis, but he ain’t no liar. Cougie, if you’re
watching, maybe you could find room in that big
heart of yours to forgive me. I love you, Cougie, and
I guess I always will. And Cougie? I’m really sorry I wore
the fur coat that night. [crying] Please take me back. [crying] [blowing nose] [phone ringing] VOICE (ON PHONE): Hoo, hoo. [beep] VOICE (ON PHONE): Baa. Baa. [dial tone] [roaring] WOMAN (ON TV):
Sweetie, stay! [scream] ANNOUNCER (ON TV):
The following is a public service announcement. Hi, my name is Stanley Siegel. And that’s little Timmy Reed. You know, he’s never had the
advantages your son has had. He’s never heard an oncoming
express subway train. He’s never had a slice of
day-old, reheated pizza. But for boys like
Timmy, and you know there are literally
thousands of them, we can change all of that. We can send this boy to
the city for the summer and give him a chance to
play with open fire hydrants. Give him a chance to play those
real loud portable radios late at night. There’s a way to help. Thanks very much, Luke. Send your money to
the Open Hydrant Fund for Little Timmy’s sake. I ain’t never seen
a transvestite. GREG (VOICEOVER):
I hate to admit it, but I was beginning to
sense trouble in paradise. The hardship of
wilderness living had apparently began to
take its toll on my family. And what with the disappearance
of Squirt and Weejun’s leaving, well, the wife and kids
just didn’t seem to be having as much fun anymore. I, of course, knew better. This was just a phase
they were going through, a bad storm to be weathered,
a bone in an otherwise perfect turkey dinner. BARB (VOICEOVER): What? Are you crazy? What are you talking about? This hasn’t been any
fun from the beginning. We just did it for you. BAMBI (VOICEOVER): Wise up, Dad. Except for the bear,
this wood shit is a drag. LITTLE BILLY
(VOICEOVER): Whose kids are you trying to kid, Dad? You were just trying
to sublimate ’cause you can’t get it on with Mom. GREG (VOICEOVER): Now,
wait a minute, son. That’s no way to
speak to your father. Why, I just think you
haven’t given it enough time. ALL (VOICEOVER): We’ve been
here two years and we hate it! GREG (VOICEOVER): Well,
search your hearts and give me one honest reason
for not trying it a bit longer. LITTLE BILLY (VOICEOVER): What
about the, uh, killer cougar? [growling] GREG (VOICEOVER):
Don’t be ridiculous. That cougar’s been
taught a lesson already. He wouldn’t attack us. Why should he want
to attack us now? [growling] [clears throat] Look, don’t worry
about the cougar. Forget the cougar. No one worry about the cougar. [growling] Now, I’m still the
father around here. And I’m just asking you,
please, bear with me. ALL (VOICEOVER): Ooh.
Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. GREG (VOICEOVER): Very funny. [growling] [clattering] [doorbell] What was that? I don’t know. [farting] Probably just the wind. [farting] I don’t know what it is. But let’s all pray it’s
been eating correctly. [animal grumbling] [clattering] [animal noises] Do you think it’ll come back? [growling] GREG: It must be the cougar. Quick, we don’t have
a second to lose. Bambi, grab a wet towel,
put on your gloves, and get under that bed. Billy, grab that door, guard
that broom, and make it snappy. Barb, I want that tit
in this hand, and fast. Now move it. I’ve got an idea. Let’s throw out Little Billy. That’ll appease it. Get lost, you puke. I bet it’s that dumb
bear of yours coming back for sloppy seconds. Oh, yeah? Not now, kids. We haven’t got time. [arguing] We’ve all got to pull together. [crash] The cougar! The cougar! The cougar! It’s not the cougar. Who else would have a motive? [ominous music playing] (LOUDLY) Who else
would have a motive? [growling] It’s our little Squirt! Don’t shoot! You can’t kill him. Don’t shoot!
Don’t shoot! -He’s not the same dog anymore.
-No! He’s been in the
woods too long. He’s as wild as that cougar now. He’s crazed. He’s raving. He’s totally out of control. Shoot him! Shoot him! Waste him! Waste the sucker! Splatter his brains
all over that porch! [whimper] [gunshot] GREG (VOICEOVER): We were lucky
to have survived that night. We owed our lives to
that tranquilizer gun and to the tranquilizer darts
I had brought from the city. [whining] [barking] Hey, Squirt. It’s good to see you feeling
like your old self again. [bark] What do you want, old boy? [barking] Oh, I bet you I know. I’ll get you a treat. Here you go, boy. I give up, Squirt. What do you want? [barking] GREG (VOICEOVER): It was easy to
see what little Squirt wanted. And I had more than
enough tranquilizer darts to keep him high for years. [barking] As I prepared to
give Squirt his dose, I couldn’t help but think of
the awesome power of the gun and those tranq darts. Just the knowledge that such a
weapon could totally immobilize a wild dog or killer cougar or
a full-breasted American female made my blood run hot. One well-placed dart would
leave her defenseless, helpless, unable to resist. It gave me new hope. And there wasn’t a
court in the country that would prosecute a husband
for trying to get away with– Greg, I’ve got
wonderful news for you. We’ve been talking it over,
and we changed our mind. We’ve decided we
like the wilderness. And we want to
settle here for good. Oh, no. What’s wrong, Dad? Greg, what’s the matter? Greg? Get inside. Start packing. We can’t live here anymore. We’re going back
where we came from. Right now. Why, what’s wrong? Greg, what do you mean? Greg? Look. [chatter] [sirens] [music playing on radio] Are you sure it’s
absolutely new? No. WOMAN: It does have
a nice view, dear. I got it. Are they gonna
put in a bathroom? MAN: Bathroom? What’s that? Oh, sure, a bathroom. New space, all tile, beautiful. Oh, and speaking of my wife– INTERVIEWER: No, don’t
speak of your wife. You know, a lot of guys–
INTERVIEWER: Greg– –kid about their wives.
Not me. I got a wife who’s a doll. INTERVIEWER: Hey, Mr. Am– A little effeminate,
but such a nice girl. INTERVIEWER: Morey, baby, look,
we are here to talk about Greg. Little things like– INTERVIEWER: Hey
Amsterdam, listen. –the morning after
we got married– INTERVIEWER: Watch my lips. –she says, sweetheart,
I got a confession to make. INTERVIEWER: Watch the lips.
Just keep– [interposing voices] I said, what is it? INTERVIEWER: Yeah, get
his agent on the phone. The guy’s a wash. We’ve got to get out
of this place, and fast. -Wait up!
-Come on, Barb. Move it! Come on, Ma! [music playing on radio] We’d like our car. Which car is that? The brown ’80 Impala wagon. Do you got the ticket? Ticket? I don’t have the ticket.
I gave it to you. To me? You never gave me any ticket. Hey, look. We don’t have a ticket. Hey, don’t you remember us? No I am sorry. No ticket, no car. [whine] Well, what do we do now? ANNOUNCER: And coming this fall,
it’s Greg, Barb, Bambi, Squirt and Little Billy Van Wasphishes
in “Forever Outdoorsters– The Saga Continues.” ALL: Like hell it is. ANNOUNCER: You’ll
see the Outdoorsters and all their friends in
exciting new adventures. You didn’t sign a
sequel deal, did you? ANNOUNCER: See them
overcome every obstacle. Are you kidding? Did you read that script? My agent laughed in their faces. We haven’t even gotten
the meeting with them. Besides, I just got to continue
a gig on a soap for real. ANNOUNCER: And there’s more! See Barb and Greg make
whoopee under the stars. I can’t do this. I’m booked to do Nora in “The
Doll’s House” in two weeks at the Melville Dinner Theater. ANNOUNCER: Coming this
spring, it’s the Oudoorsters– Oh, yeah?
Well, what about this? It’s the ticket. Now we’d like our car. Which car was that? The brown ’80
Impala station wagon! All right, all right. Don’t tip him more than 10%. He doesn’t deserve it. [engine sputtering] ANNOUNCER: Like I
was saying, it’s the family you love to love
in their exciting new feature presentation, “Endless
Outdoorsters.” And coming next spring,
it’s the Outdoorsters in “Outdoor-skamania.” The following fall, you’ll
see “Beyond the Valley of the Outdoorsters–
The Ultimate Trip.” And two years from
next Tuesday, it’s an Outdoorsters first
when Bebop goes natural in the “Outdoorster Me Tender.” I don’t suppose you happen
to know anything about this. ANNOUNCER: –sultry sizzlers
of a sensuous, wild, Mother Nature’s naughty nymphets
teenage Outdoorster girl. Be there when he Outdoorsters
see the light in “Bron Again Outdoorster,” introducing
the new bear discovery, Gentile Ben. You won’t want to miss it. And there’s more! You’ll want to be around
for the prestigious lineup of “Outdoorsters Epics
for the 1990s and Beyond.” Put on your dancing shoes
’cause the Dancing Doorsters are coming at you with
our Disco Doorsters in the toe-tappingest
time you’ve ever had. Hear the movie. See the album. Buy the t-shirt. Use the ashtray. It’s Outdoorsters in
“Merchandising Forever.” And there’s more. [choking] [music playing] [cheering and applause] [barking] ANNOUNCER: Grizzly played
by Stanshlav Mucho. Raccoon, Francoise Labec. The Moose, Rabbi
Chaim Ben Vereen. Special thanks to
the Electro-Shock Animal Training Workshop. 10,000 volt animal prod provided
by Stunt Bears Unlimited. Fish underwear by River
Gil’s Wet Shoppe, Limited. Manure carting, Brown
‘n’ Rich Chocolate Pudding Company,
Inc. Urban gorillas trained by Che Guevara. The doe, Goldie Fawn. ANNOUNCER: And Jerry
Mathers as The Beaver. ANNOUNCER: Location Butcher,
Route 17 Quik Meats, deboweling and gutting,
Custom Cuts of Paramus, Inc. Grinding and
filleting by Butcherama. Soup bones by Michelle. Roast and chops
special tonight– prim rib, sliced to perfection. Chef’s choice– New York strip
steak, 7.95; a la carte, 9.95. Surf and turf, 12.50. Sour cream on baked
potato, $0.25 extra. Coffee, tea, and beverage
and choice of dessert. No animals were hurt in the
making of this motion picture, uh, except maybe a fish. This film is dedicated to
Tony Zitto, stunt fish. “He swumeth against the current. T’were all that he knew.” Sir William Blake. [theme music] THEME SONG: We’re the
Outdoorsters, the Outdoorsters. We live in the forest free. We tell tall tales and
we fell tall trees. We’re the Outdoorsters family. We don’t wash windows. We don’t cut grass. So mice are cute and
people are crass. We don’t go to movies. We don’t go to bars. We don’t need sex
or money or cars. We play with fleas and
we sleep with ticks. The animals give
us all our kicks. we don’t eat crap
from the market shelf. We only eat crap that
we find ourselves. We’re the Outdoorsters,
the Outdoorsters, living out in the
wild, with a heart so pure and a step so
sure and the brain of a slightly backward child. Oh, we don’t miss bums who sleep
in the street or shopping bag ladies who spit on your feet. We don’t feel lost in our forest
home ’cause out in the woods we’re never alone. The birds and the bees, we love
them all, most of the animals big and small. But if they bug
us, just the same, we’ll stamp them out
like a candle flame. We’re the Outdoorsters,
the Outdoorsters. Get away from our place
or we’ll break your knees and take your cheese and rub
it all over your big, fat face. Our life’s real groovy. Hope you like our new movie. If it gives you the weirdies,
just wait till the TV series. Oh, the Outdoorsters,
the Outdoorsters, such a wholesome, hearty bunch. With kids so cute
and a dog to boot, you’re guaranteed
to blow your minds. Yeah, goodbye, garbage,
filth, and crime. We’re gonna have
a real good time living on roots and rocks
and trees, taking a piss wherever we please. We’ll get caught
out in the rain. We’ll get sick and
we’ll go insane. Oh, we’ll get bored
and we’ll all get out. What the hell are
we singing about? We’re the Outdoorsters,
the Outdoorsters, such a wholesome, hearty bunch. With kids so cute
and a dog to boot, you’re guaranteed
to blow your minds. Yeah, goodbye garbage,
filth, and crime. We’re gonna have
a real good time living on roots and rocks
and trees, taking a piss wherever we please. We’ll get caught
out in the rain. We’ll get sicks and
we’ll go insane. Oh, we’ll get bored
and we’ll all get out. What the hell are
we singing about? We’re the Outdoorsters,
the Outdoorsters. We live in the forest free. We tell tall tales and
we fell tall trees. We’re the Outdoorsters family. We’re the Outdoorsters family. We’re the Outdoorsters family. [chickens clucking] MAN 1: Good.
Great. They gave us an R.
MAN 2: What do you want from me? Forget about that. MAN 1: We’ve kissed
the kid audience and the TV sale goodbye. MAN 2: Look, relax. Don’t worry. I got it all figured out. We cut out the dirty stuff, show
it to them again, get the PG, and then stick the
dirty stuff back in. They’ll never know. MAN 1: All right,
but I’m not sure– MAN 2: Forget about that. MAN 1: –if that’s
really the way to do it. MAN 2: Sure, sure. MAN 1: I mean, after
all, the MPAA’s– MAN 2: Go with me on this one.