Trump Wants To Call His Own Witnesses In Senate Impeachment Trial


WELCOME ONE AND ALL, LADIES AND
GENTLEMEN, CHILDREN OF ALL AGES, TO “THE LATE SHOW.” I’M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT. THE BIG STORY CONTINUES TO BE
DONALD TRUMP’S ALLERGIC REACTION TO THE CONSTITUTION, AND
TONIGHT, I’LL STAB YOU WITH THE EPIPEN OF FUN IN THE LATEST
INSTALLMENT OF “DON AND THE GIANT IMPEACH.” ( CHEERING )
>>I HAVE THE RIGHT TO DO WHATEVER I WANT AS PRESIDENT.>>STEPHEN: TODAY, THE HOUSE
JUDICIARY COMMITTEE DEBATED WHETHER TO SEND TWO ARTICLES OF
IMPEACHMENT TO THE HOUSE FLOOR. BUT FIRST, THEY SPENT HOURS
PROPOSING HIGHLY SPECIFIC AND ASININE AMENDMENTS. LIKE ONE FROM FLORIDA
CONGRESSMAN AND HUMAN-HANGOVER HYBRID, MATT GAETZ. ( BOOING )
GAETZ ARGUED THAT DEMOCRATS ARE FOCUSED ON THE WRONG BIDEN.>>THIS AMENDMENT STRIKES THE
REFERENCE TO JOE BIDEN AS THE CENTER OF THE PROPOSED
INVESTIGATION AND REPLACES IT WITH THE TRUE TOPIC OF THE
INVESTIGATION, BURISMA AND HUNTER BIDEN. IT’S A LITTLE HARD TO BELIEVE
THAT BURISMA HIRED HUNTER BIDEN TO RESOLVE THEIR INTERNATIONAL
DISPUTES, WHEN HE COULD NOT RESOLVE HIS OWN DISPUTE WITH
HERTZ RENTAL CAR OVER LEAVING COCAINE AND A CRACK PIPE IN THE
CAR.>>Stephen: WOW. WOW. LISTEN, I’VE GOT TO SAY,
I FEEL SORRY FOR WHOEVER GOT THAT CAR AFTER HUNTER BIDEN. ( LAUGHTER )
YOU KNOW HOW MUCH THEY CHARGE IF YOU RETURN THE CRACK PIPE
UNFILLED? ( LAUGHTER )
PRETTY BALLSY FOR A CONGRESSMAN TO BRING THAT UP WHEN HE WAS
ARRESTED FOR D.U.I. IN 2008. ( AUDIENCE REACTS )
NOW, YOU MIGHT NOT HAVE KNOWN THAT, BUT GEORGIA’S HANK JOHNSON
DID.>>THE POT CALLING THE KETTLE
BLACK IS NOT SOMETHING THAT WE SHOULD DO. (LAUGHTER)
I DON’T KNOW WHAT MEMBERS, IF ANY, HAVE HAD ANY PROBLEMS WITH
SUBSTANCE ABUSE, BEEN BUSTED IN A D.U.I., I DON’T KNOW, BUT IF I
DID, I WOULDN’T RAISE IT AGAINST ANYONE ON THIS COMMITTEE. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>>Stephen: WOW. WOW! THAT IS A MASTER CLASS IN
PASSIVE AGGRESSIVENESS! “I WOULDN’T WANT TO SAY ANYTHING
NEGATIVE ABOUT A CERTAIN MEMBER BECAUSE HE’S SUCH A FRAGILE
LITTLE BITCHY-BOY. BUT —
( LAUGHTER ) I YIELD BACK THE REMAIRPD OF MY
TIME.” THE JUDICIARY COMMITTEE TRIED TO
WRAP THINGS UP AT A REASONABLE HOUR BECAUSE THERE WAS A
CONGRESSIONAL BALL AT THE WHITE HOUSE AT 7:00 TONIGHT, AND A
NUMBER OF JUDICIARY MEMBERS– PARTICULARLY REPUBLICANS– WERE
EXPECTED TO ATTEND. “WE HAVE TO GET TO THE BALL! WE HAVE TO GET TO THE BALL! BEFORE THE PRESIDENT TURNS INTO
A PUMPKI– AH, SHOOT. TOO LATE.” ( LAUGHTER )
“TOO LATE, I FORGOT. WE HAVE TO GET TO THE BALL!”
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ♪ SOME DAY! ♪
IF THE ARTICLES OF IMPEACHMENT DO PASS THE HOUSE, TRUMP WOULD
STAND TRIAL IN THE SENATE EARLY IN THE NEW YEAR. AND ONE SENATOR SAYS, THE TRIAL
WOULD TAKE “APPROXIMATELY TWO WEEKS IN JANUARY” AND WOULD
FEATURE NO WITNESSES. OH, THAT’S GOING TO BE SOME
COMPELLING TELEVISION. ( LAUGHTER )
REMINDS ME OF THE FAMOUS COURTROOM SCENE FROM “A FEW GOOD
MEN.”>>DO YOU HAVE AN ANSWER? ( LAUGHTER )
I’D LIKE AN ANSWER TO THE QUESTION, JUDGE. DID YOU ORDER THE CODE RED? ( LAUGHTER )
>>Stephen: WOW, HE’S GOOD. CRUZ DOESN’T NEED AN ACTING
PARTNER. THAT’S HOW GOOD HE IS.>>Jon: YEAH
>>STEPHEN: NOW, THE PRESIDENT’S PUTTING A BRAVE FACE ON IN
PUBLIC, BUT IMPEACHMENT SEEMS TO BE GETTING TO TRUMP. AIDES SAY HE HAS APPEARED
DISTRACTED AND UNFOCUSED DURING CONVERSATIONS. YES, DISTRACTED AND UNFOCUSED —
UNLIKE THE OLD LACER-FOCUSED DONALD TRUMP. (AS TRUMP)
“MY FELLOW AMERICANS, I COME TO YOU TONIGHT TO ANNOUNCE THAT
AMERICAN GROUND FORCES ARE– HEY! THERE’S A GUY I KNOW! ANYWAY, CHINA, GIVE ME DIRT ON
JOE BIDEN. BING BING, BONG BONG! FLUSH YOUR TOILET 15 TIMES.” “GOOD NIGHT.” ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
BUT IT’S NOT JUST IMPEACHMENT THAT’S GETTING ON HIS NERVES. IT’S WHY HE’S BEING IMPEACHED. ONE ADVISER SAID, “FRANKLY, I
THINK HE’S A LITTLE SURPRISED IT’S THE UKRAINE THING THAT’S
DONE IT.” YEAH, ME, TOO! AFTER ALL THE SHADY DEALS HE’S
BEEN INVOLVED IN, HE GETS TRIPPED UP BY A PHONE CALL? TRUMP GETTING IMPEACHED FOR
UKRAINE IS LIKE PAUL NEWMAN WINNING AN OSCAR FOR “THE COLOR
OF MONEY.” HE DEFINITELY DESERVES IT, BUT
IT SHOULD’VE HAPPENED WAY EARLIER. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
( PIANO RIFF ) TRUMP IS ALSO ANNOYED AT HOW
IMPEACHMENT IS PLAYING OUT ON TV. HE’S REPORTEDLY FIXATED ON HOW
THE NEWS MEDIA IS PORTRAYING HIM, WITH ONE ADVISER SAYING,
“THE COVERAGE BUGS HIM.” (AS TRUMP)
“I DON’T GET IT. WHY DOES THE MEDIA ALWAYS PAINT
ME AS THE BAD GUY? ANYWAY, SOMEBODY PHOTOSHOP ME TO
LOOK LIKE THANOS.”