Rodney Dangerfield’s Guide to Auto Repair (1985)


– You’re all here today
taking this course, how to be an auto mechanic, okay? So it’s your money, so pay attention. All right? I mean you’re paying 175 bucks
for the course, you know. – Wait a minute. It was 125. – Well now it’s a 175. You know why? I didn’t put it in writing. That’s your first lesson. (audience laughs) With customers you
never put it in writing. The only way to work it, boys. I’ll tell you that. Now we got some important
stuff to go over here today, the mechanic must learn. The first thing is: a guy comes in; no matter
what’s wrong with his car, you look him straight in the eye and say, you ain’t using this car tonight. – Oh yeah. – Bubba, come on up here and try this. Okay, big guy? Bubba, try it now, will you? – I’m sorry, but you
won’t be able to drive this car at all. – Oh no. Bubba, come over
here, will you please? Bubba, no, no, no. I told you; you gotta
look the customer straight in the eye. Straight in the eye. You must have trouble dancing, huh? (audience laughs) Straight in the eye and you say, you ain’t using this car tonight, right? Okay Bubba, now sit down, okay. I’d keep you after school,
but I’m afraid of ya. (audience laughs) Now next thing is really important. Customer comes in in a real rush, right? His car stalled. He got a dead battery. His wife and kids are in the car. He’s in a panic. When he asks you for help,
you turn to him and say, I’m sorry, I’m all alone here. I’m alone. – Right, alone. – What’s the matter? – What do you say when
you got an assistant? – I don’t care if you’ve
got 10 assistants. If the guy needs help, you
just look at him and say, I’m all alone here. I’m all alone.
(audience laughs) That’s all. You got it Thorneberry? – I don’t know why I joined this group. – I don’t know either,
you can’t fit under a car. (audience laughs) All right, hold it boy, hold it, hold it. Back to business, back to business. Okay boys? A customer pulls in, right? He’s lost. No matter where he’s
going, you just say to him, you’re way off. (audience laughs) Not in this town. Then you get a map, and
you say to him, look, here’s where you are right now. You wanna get over there. You can’t get there from here. Then you charge him a
dollar for the map and you walk away. (audience laughs) Now boys, today, I got
a real treat for you. A man who can teach you plenty. Today you’re gonna meet
the garage mechanic’s garage mechanic. – All right. – He’s the most famous
graduate in this school. His name is Dick Butkus. – Oh, right. – And I’ll tell you about Dick, okay? Dick was the first one
to make sure the soap in the men’s room had hair on it. – That’s good. That’s good.
(audience laughs) – That’s right. And when a customer
came into his garage and said, I’m in a hurry, he
was the first one to say, hey mister, I’m on my break. (audience laughs) Yes boys, here is, just now. Just now finished 22
sensational weeks at a garage in Newark, okay? He’s beautiful, and make him happy, okay? Dick Butkus! (audience applauds) Get over here. Go on baby, it’s your floor. Go ahead Dick. – More importantly, I’ve got the name tag. What does that say, son? – Vito.
– Right. – But your name is Dick. – Correct. Because if Vito worked
on your transmission, and your transmission goes
kaput, how can anybody blame it on Dick? (audience laughs) – That’s my man. You’re too much. Your beautiful. – To begin with students,
your appearance is critical. Now I spend two hours
every morning going through wardrobe and makeup. – Hey, nobody looks like
Dick by accident, right? Two hours. Makeup and wardrobe. Two hours. Tell ’em baby. – I start with the basics. First, a little grease
under the fingernails. – How much grease, Dick? – Enough. But never too much. (audience laughs) All right, the last thing
I wanna leave you with is very important. The key to the men’s room. – Tell ’em about it. Go
on, tell ’em about it. – All right, all right. It should always be attached
to a piece of wood at least 50 times the size of the key. – Now remember, the men’s
room is always locked. – How come they’re always locked? – Al, it was your idea. You tell them. – Why is the men’s room locked? Is that so tough to figure out? We wanna confuse people, that’s why. We keep the cash register
open, the safe is open, but the men’s room is locked. (audience laughs) So, why do we keep the men’s room locked? – It prevents stealing, Al. – Stealing? What’s there to steal in the men’s room? I mean, in my life, I met
all kinds of characters, guys that try to sell me a
hot ring, a hot watch; no one ever tried to sell me a hot toilet. Never, never.
(audience laughs) Any questions here at all? – Yeah, you said yesterday
that garage mechanics invented the phrase, who
worked on this before? – That’s right. – Well, I used to be a TV repairman, and we invented the phrase,
who worked on this before? – Well, it’s very simple to figure out who started the phrase,
who worked on this before? Well, what came first,
the TV set, or the car? (audience laughs) Before I forget, I wanna warn you guys. Never take your work home with you, okay? That’s how I lost my wife. – What happened? – One night I came home
from work and my wife and I wanted to make love. I forgot myself, I took
my work home with me. I looked at her and I said,
who worked on you before? (audience laughs) – And what did she say, the TV repairman? (audience laughs) – Yeah, we got enough comedians
around here, all right? Now the big one. How to handle a bill, okay? Now if a customer has any
brains, he won’t be happy with the bill. If that happens you just smile
and say, I’ll check it out. Then you go over to a car
that’s being worked on, and you start talking to two feet. Actually there’s no one under the car. They’re fake feet. (audience laughs) You buy ’em. They cost $7 a pair. You slip ’em under a car,
you talk to ’em, okay? (audience laughs) – I wanna know what’s going on here. – [Students] Whoa! – Hey lady, there’s a class going on here. – Well good, because
I’m in the mood to teach somebody a lesson. – What’s the problem, lady? – The problem is this bill. And don’t give me that
old fake feet routine. – Oh look, a repeat customer. (audience laughs) – Well, what about your bill? – First of all, when I
brought my car in, you gave me an estimate for $100. – That’s right. – Well this bill is for $200. Now what happened to
the estimate for $100? – Oh, you’re right. I forgot. That makes it $300. (audience laughs) See what I mean boys? I didn’t put it in writing. You know what I mean? – This bill is not legitimate. – Not legitimate? Are you kidding? It’s gotta be legitimate. There’s grease on it. (audience laughs) – There’s gonna be
blood on it if you don’t do something about it. – I’d like to help you lady,
but, I’m all alone here. (audience laughs) – Can you just tell me when
my car is gonna be ready? – When your car’ll be ready, huh? You ready boys? – [In Unison] You ain’t
using this car tonight. (audience laughs)